Backpackers Don't Care About Sex

Be still, my beating heart: A recent poll on the Backpacker Forums asked “what do you look forward to most after long hike,” and the results were a little surprising. While trail culture — with its tent-sharing and skinny-dipping ways — seems to indicate that intimate companionship might be high on the list, it’s no match for the glories of modern plumbing.

“Hot shower” ranked highest on the list, capturing nearly 40 percent of user votes, followed by “favorite meal” with almost 28 percent, and “cold beer,” which pulled in 19 percent of the vote. The boys at Anheuser-Busch will be glad to hear that.

Meanwhile, “snuggling with your sweetie” garnered a piddling 5 percent, revealing Backpacker forum users to be perhaps less concerned with carnal desires when getting off the trail. Then again, “conversation” (2 percent) and “clean clothes” (1 percent) rank even lower, so does this mean our users are all silent, filthy, and sexless?

I’ve got an alternative theory: BP forum users are merely exceptionally considerate and sensitive lovers. Rather than alienate a paramour by instantly thrusting an unclean corpus upon them at the conclusion of a lengthy bushwack, they first shower accordingly, noting the classical notion that cleanliness is next to godliness.

Next, they treat their intended to a fine meal of favored victuals, further incurring goodwill and fondness for human connection. Finally, they loosen both the mood and any complicated garments by plying both their beloved and themselves with ample amounts of only the finest in malted hops, barley, and mountain-stream water, distilled to fermented perfection.

See? Deep down, BP users are deeply romantic souls on and off the trail.In fact, if you’re not hooking up with a Backpacker, you’re probably missing out.

— Ted Alvarez