April Fools' Milk Duds
Jon Dorn's homemade milk dud recipe is exactly thata dud
Heading out the door? Read this article on the new Outside+ app available now on iOS devices for members! Download the app.
Remember Jon Dorn’s fantastic milk dud recipe from last Wednesday? Clever readers (or anyone who’s ever used a food dehydrator) might’ve taken notice of the date and realized that his scrumptious homemade candy morsels were craven fabrications. For shame, Jon!
Hopefully, no one’s actually tried out the recipe over the weekend, but if you did, we sincerely apologize for the sour-smelling, rank result you likely produced. (If by some magical chance this completely false recipe actually worked, do let us know.) But if you were taken in by that sly dog Dorn, don’t feel bad: Plenty of BP staffers swallowed the big lie hook, line, and sinker when he brought in a bowl of his “own” milk duds—which were actually store-bought. Here were some of the reactions, with names redacted to protect the gullible:
“Great! I can’t believe Jon made these!?!”
“I think Jon’s Milk Duds are tastier than the store bought duds (although it’s been awhile since I’ve eaten them). I love their chewiness and light vanilla flavoring…plus, they’re bigger than the ones at the store.”
“Absolutely delicious – AND, I STILL have ALL my teeth AND all my fillings in!”
“They taste exactly like the real thing, except they’re not rock hard from sitting on the store shelf for a month.”
“Wow! Yummy—more, please!”
“I don’t even know what a milk dud is, but I know these are quite tasty.”
Of course, even an earnest staff like BP has its share of skeptics:
“As I thought about it, though, why would someone make them instead of buying them these days? Seems like buying the milk and chocolate would work out to the same price as buying real milk duds, and then you have to pay for electricity for drying them, as well as have time to make them. Maybe if I had kids and wanted to fill up some time I’d try making them, but time’s my biggest factor in why I wouldn’t make them, personally.”
“What’s jd talking about poor? I thought he grew up in a swank suburb. …i used to have to go scrape lichens off the rocks in our backyard when we got low on millet which we ate like cereal.”
“Seriously: I thought it was an April Fools’ joke & that they were from the store.”
Some were taken in, and others saw through our captain’s saccharine lies, but the fact is everybody wins—we all got to scarf some free candy on our boss’s dime. Unless, of course, you actually tried to make this recipe at home…in which case, we’re terribly sorry.
—Ted Alvarez