When we talk about wilderness survival stories where man is pitted against beast, too often we rush to take the side of humanity. What about the plight of the mountain lion, bear, or other carnivore, suddenly attacked by a vicious hiker? Who cries for them or lauds their incredible survival skills?
The Onion, that's who:
A local mountain lion came face-to-face with a group of hikers and made it out alive, sources reported Monday. Wildlife officials are crediting the courageous cougar's quick thinking, catlike reflexes, and 150 pounds of coiled muscle with successfully fending off the human foot travelers.
Despite overwhelming odds, the cougar managed to face down its fears and triumph:
Armed with nothing more than four-inch claws, razor-sharp teeth, and a 5.4-meter vertical leap, the mountain lion lunged at the adult male hiker. In a defensive measure, it pinned the hiker to the ground, thus disabling the man's primary means of attack. After a brief struggle, the animal was eventually able to lock onto the hiker's skull with its jaw.
Even the experts have lauded the mountain lion's decision-making process under pressure, noting that "repeated biting of the skull and face is the textbook way to fend off a human attack."
Whew — that was a close call. What a lucky cat. Had I come across a rogue band of hikers, I'd like to think I could fight them off in much the same way, but just I don't know that I would've reacted the same way. Mmm.
— Ted Alvarez
(In case your confused, The Onion are purveyors of top-drawer satire. No actual families were killed...we think.)