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Backpacker Magazine – December 2007
What if your favorite place in the world was ground zero for your greatest strengths and your deepest fears? The author and her father trek into Idaho's Sawtooth Mountains to grapple with a tragedy that has haunted them for decades.
Mid-conversation, I flash to a moment my dad would have loved: soaking in the kettle ponds hidden in the muskeg below 20,320-foot Mt. McKinley. Maybe I think of him out of gratitude, for showing me how wilderness can shape and define. Maybe it's just the hazy mellowing of distance and time. But by September, when I leave Alaska for the Lower 48, I am ready to embrace the world—and perhaps even my father.
It would be great if a few years in the wilderness could wipe away our pain. But of course it isn't that easy. For a long time, through my late 20s and into my 30s, my dad and I airbrushed the abuse out of our family photo. We got so good at pretending, we almost convinced ourselves that we had moved on.
Truth is, my dad and I got on well together—in part because he tried hard to be good and normal again. He flew to Anchorage once, when I needed a partner to drive with down the Alcan Highway, too scared of the frost heaves and endless stretches of road between gas stations to do it alone. Over the years, he has given me cash and co-signed on cars. He has picked up the phone when I called to talk about my loneliness—or the weather—at 3 a.m. And it is he, not my mother, who has saved all of my stories, in big, black binders at home.
We have, as they say in psychotherapy circles, reconstructed our house of relationship. In 2000, he came to see the ultrasound of my first baby. When Scout was born, and 16 months later, Hatcher, my dad found a new reason to live. Indeed, my sons have become the brightest spot in his diminished life, and they love him acutely. He even babysits when my husband and I go skiing at Whistler for a week.
This easing of relations was good for my dad, and easy for me. But I still didn't trust him—not completely.
"I can't do this," I tell my husband. "I can't hold up the weight." I am lying on a trail with my legs twisted in my mountain bike, and I can't force myself to get up.
It's Memorial Day, 2006. We are riding down Winiger Ridge when I miss a turn and grind into the dirt. The sun is shining on tight blue buds that will soon flower across hillsides covered in sage. The boys are at home with a babysitter. I am falling apart.
"What happened?" my husband asks. "You were flying back there. You looked good."
Most things are looking good these days. After Alaska, I moved to Winter Park, Colorado, and skied five days a week. I kept writing, too, and landed a position at a big magazine. I live on two wooded acres at 8,500 feet on the outskirts of Boulder. My family hikes out the front door. On summer nights, we sit on our deck and watch satellites cross the sky, and in the winter, with snow blanketing the ground, we listen to a quiet so vast it creates its own sound.
And yet the weight had crept back, so heavy I felt it would crush me.

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READERS COMMENTS
The beauty and honesty of Tracy's journey is as breathtaking and awe inspiring as the Sawtooth Mountains themselves. Bravo to this brave author, couragous yet as lovely and delicate as a robin's egg. Her story belongs here because humans and nature go together. Both are as delicate as a spring trillium and as dangerous as an avalanche. Bravo Tracy... Keep writing, it is your gift to others.
Posted: May 30, 2009 Tira Scott
Brilliant imagery & searing pain - one of the most well written and touching stories, I've read in a long time.
Posted: May 14, 2009 sk
wretched story, but beautifully written. Really captures the essence of growing up in southern idaho, as well as hiking and camping around red fish lake. I've been gone a long time, and didn't know they had succeeded in getting some salmon back in redfish. Fantastic!
Posted: May 14, 2009 gen
The last reader is right. It deals with an ugly topic. This is story that does not belong here. In fact, it does not belong anywhere. No one should have to tell it. But she did and with grace and courage. Showing how the living a independent and active life outdoors helped her overcome anger and hate. And gave her the strength to confront her former abuser with calm restraint. Thank you, Tracy. I now have a new favorite writer.
Posted: May 11, 2009 Joseph Kennedy
I think this is a phenomenal story. Thank you for sharing it. For those who do not think think this magazine is an appropriate place for it- you have a choice. Do not read it.
Posted: May 03, 2009 Shauna Marsh
Congratulations on your win and telling your story. I, too, was a victim of rape and abuse. You are a strong woman, and I wish you respite from the demons.
Posted: May 02, 2009 Susan
congratulation. a have spent the last hour reading your essay, written in a foreign language for me.
Posted: May 02, 2009 alex
congrat's on the win this evening. must be something of a mixed experience, but wonderful nonetheless. wish i could read the article in its entirety on Backpacker.com. unfortunately, it seems to be only partially available...at least for my browser. that aside, well done!
Posted: May 01, 2009 michaeldraznin
Yes.
Posted: May 01, 2009 Jody Reale
This article was really well done, great use of the word maw. With twitter stealing news clips before you can even get a good lead-in sentence, this is how writing is going to need to be in the future. I know what the trails look like but this article is about much more than hiking, great gonzo style.
Posted: Apr 24, 2009 Nick City Reprise
i think it's a great story; Tracy, thank you for this. you did great. wish you all the best
Posted: Apr 13, 2009 andre
As a student of magazine editing and a lover of great writing, I read a lot of periodicals. I haven't read much of Backpacker — and you wouldn't expect me to; I'm not in your target audience — but might start coming back after reading this beautiful piece. Congratulations on your Ellie nomination; I hope you take home the award.
Posted: Mar 22, 2009 Nicholas Jackson
Stunning article, one of the best I've ever read in Backpacker.
Posted: Mar 21, 2009 Tim Patterson
My heart goes out to you. I can only imagine how hard that was to write, much less share with the world. I'm sorry to see people complain. I think a lot of us spend to much time hiding from our wounds, pretending they don't exist or never happened. If your boys have half your strength, just think of the things they will accomplish.
Posted: Apr 05, 2008 Marc Bostian
I think others have blown this story way out of proportion. It was very well done, and taught me a little of the background of the writer. Obviously backpacker thought it was a good story too. By the end of the article I had mixed emotions, but it made me feel trust in the writer. She gave her reason for joining backpacker even though its a dark truth. I want to thank Tracy for baring her reason through each word. And I'm glad she is part of backpacker. I look forward to more articles by her.
Posted: Mar 31, 2008 Tessa
I agree with the comment above - this magazine is not the appropriate venue for this soul- baring account. As a victim and a mother of a victim I can see right through your father's lies. You were not the only one that he abused. There is another or probably more than one out there. For him to say that it stopped when you ran away is a dead giveaway that he's keeping still secrets . I pity him that he cannot face the truth and I pity you for believing him.
Posted: Mar 26, 2008 You're not the only one
I'm sorry for your suffering, but I would rather be reading and enjoying stories on backpacking and not reading you trying to analyze your therapy.
Not trying to be callous, but maybe 'Outside' magazine would have been a more fitting place for your story. I presently do not subscribe to that magazine because it publishes stories such as yours.
Posted: Mar 15, 2008 Loren Loritz
thank-you so much for your candidness!
Posted: Mar 09, 2008 jan
Posted: Mar 09, 2008 jan
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