Backpacker editor hospitalized

Suffers glycemic shock from new GU product

Longtime Backpacker editor and adrenaline junkie Jonathan Dorn has been stabilized but remains in a coma at the Foothills Hospital ICU unit in Boulder, Colorado, announced AIM President Andrew Clurman in a short statement to the Outdoor Group's staff this morning. "Jon was rushed to emergency room last night after suffering sudden convulsions while training on an elliptical machine for the annual BAAR Brawl adventure race in San Francisco," Clurman said. "According to Dr. Wright of the Foothills endocrinological institute, it appears that he went into full liver shutdown due to a glycemic shock brought out but a sudden influx into his system of concentrated complex-chain carbodydrates, which is basically a fancy term for a sugar overdose. He has not regained consciousness, possibly because he hit his head on a Stairclimber while falling, but doctors say his vital functions, including brain activity, are stable."

When contacted by this reporter at the hospital, Dorn's wife, Heather, confirmed this account and told us that shortly before her husband started convulsing and stumbled from the machine, losing consciousness, he had applied liberal amounts of a prototype electrolyte cream developed by GU, the well-known energy-gel and energy-drink manufacturer. "I saw him spreading the stuff on his chest, then his belly and lower back, which he said would produce optimal absorption into the bloodstream," she recalls. "When he pulled off his compression sleeves and started spreading it on his arms and calves, I got a little worried. He's can take things a bit too far, you know? And who knows what the combination of transdermal electrolytes, compression, and threshold training can do? It's an untested area of physical endurance. But that's Jon--he wouldn't listen when I told him to stop lubricating."

This reporter has identified the working name of the product that Dorn was using as GU's Dermacharge Topical Electrolyte & Energy Infusion Gel. A half-empty tube of the "Intense Butter" flavor cream was found on the floor next to Dorn's body when paramedics arrived. It has the viscosity and slightly sticky texture of melted cream cheese. The taste is actually quite pleasant -- we could imagine spreading it on toast.

Dorn's current prognosis, according to his wife, is guardedly unknown but fairly optimistic. "Dr. Wright is telling us that his liver just needs time to flush all the aminos and sucrose, and shouldn't suffer any permanent damage. It's even possible that the systemic shock might boost his metabolism by resetting his tolerance for rapid cellular energy infusion. Again, we're in uncharted territory here, but this could actually wind up making Jon the athlete he always wanted to be. Until he wakes up, it won't be clear if he's lost some function or if this is his Peter Parker moment."

Colleagues in the Backpacker offices are worried and stunned. "Jon is a known GU-aholic," says executive editor Dennis Lewon. "I've seen him squeeze four packets at once into his mouth while racing, so I can easily see him slathering on too much Dermacharge." Senior editor Shannon Davis adds, "This stuff sounds like Four Loko for the adventure set. I'm looking forward to getting my hands on some."

At press time, GU representatives were unavailable for comment. We will continue trying to reach them, and to provide more details as Jon's condition improves. Until then, please join us in saying a prayer for his speedy recovery.

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Posted: Jul 18, 2011 gehehej

This should really be removed. It is tasteless. There's nothing funny, ironic, or interesting about it. I wonder how GU feels about having this post up...
Posted: Apr 21, 2011 Andrew

That's pretty dumb all around.
Posted: Apr 16, 2011 Peter

This isn't funny at all. Most people (myself included) only skim articles for information. The way this is written, one would never know if this is an April fools joke or not. I read the whole article, then went to the GU page and did not read the entire thing. Then said a little prayer for the person in the article. Just now reading the comments, I've understood that it isn't real.

Absolutely not a funny joke. Written way to seriously. Either get new editors, or get a new sense of humor.
Posted: Apr 15, 2011 Ryan

Just joking, folks.
Posted: Apr 04, 2011 Jon Dorn

Best of luck to family and friends.
Posted: Apr 01, 2011 Dktb

You suck...
Posted: Apr 01, 2011 Swami Nick

sickos.
Posted: Apr 01, 2011 karen

This would be a sick april fools joke. If not, hopefully he will recover fully and quickly.
Posted: Apr 01, 2011 Big Unit

This isn't even a funny April fools article. Written a bit too seriously. The GU site is better.
Posted: Apr 01, 2011 Dan

Not a very good April Fools joke.
Posted: Apr 01, 2011 packer

That was mean. You had me crying!
Posted: Apr 01, 2011 Jen Howe

Quick recovery to Mr. Dorn. Sounds just awful.
Posted: Apr 01, 2011 Kelly